Martyn Moore, editor

AS editor of this publication, I have taken a break from writing a white paper on diversity and inclusiveness to post this, so I’m not sure if it’s even legal to promote a group with a hint of ageism in its name. No doubt some of the lawyer members will brief me.

Anyway, Peterborough Young Professionals are having a wine tasting evening at the City Club in Peterborough on Thursday April 28. It’s serious, too, with a ‘tutorial’ starting at 7pm, so don’t be late.

Tickets cost £7 each and for that you’ll get good company, cheese, nibbles and, thankfully, wine. The evening is being held in association with Amps Fine Wines of Oundle. For more information email pippa.wilson@hcsolicitors.co.uk.

Click here for a nice little invitation you can send to your ‘young’ friends. It’s NOT a ticket.

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyCanberra”

When asked why he had such a long password, he said he had been told that it had to have at least eight characters and include at least one capital.

So here’s somebody’s entertaining explanation of how at bail out package from the EU works:

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the farmers’ co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services” on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

A very happy Christmas and all the best for 2011 from Peterborough Business.

Doing its bit to add to the confusion, Peterborough Business is publishing the bickering unedited in the order it receives the statements, starting with an announcement from the CIPD on November 1, which was embargoed until November 2. Enjoy.

CIPD estimates 1.6 million extra private sector jobs needed by 2015-16 simply to offset full impact of Coalition Government’s spending cuts and VAT rise

Cuts in public spending announced in last month’s Comprehensive Spending Review (CSR) and the rise in the standard rate of VAT to 20% due in January 2011 will result in the loss of almost 1.6 million jobs across the UK economy by 2015-16, with the private sector hit harder than the public sector, according to estimates released today by the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD).

Dr John Philpott, Chief Economic Adviser at the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD)  - who will be among a number of expert witnesses giving oral evidence this morning to the House of Commons Treasury Select Committee on the consequences of the CSR – says that the coalition government’s overall policy measures to increase economic growth will have to help boost net private sector job creation overall by an average of 320,000 each year by 2015-16 simply to keep unemployment broadly stable at around 2.5 million.

Dr Philpott continues: “The full impact of the coalition government’s planned fiscal tightening has been understated following publication of the CSR. The 490,000 public sector job losses cited in the CSR (based on initial estimates by the Office for Budget Responsibility) itself looks like an underestimate given what most public sector managers are telling the CIPD but in any case excludes around 50,000 public sector job cuts likely to fall in the current financial year (2010-11) and 120,000 in 2015-16. Similarly, available independent estimates of the direct impact of public spending cuts on jobs in the private sector do not make sufficient allowance for the negative indirect demand effects on businesses. And, crucially, private sector jobs will also be adversely affected by the forthcoming sharp hike in the standard rate of VAT from 17.5% to 20%.

“The CIPD estimate, based on soundings from public sector managers, is that from the end of 2009-10 to 2015-16 the public sector will shed a total of 725,000 jobs (a net reduction of 12.5%). The combined direct and indirect effect of public spending cuts will result in the loss of 650,000 private sector jobs. And the rise in the standard rate of VAT to 20% will result in the loss of a further 250,000 private sector jobs, as reduced demand for many goods and services hits company revenues and profits. Ironically, the VAT hike will prove a far more significant ‘tax on jobs’ than the hike in employers’ National Insurance contributions the former Labour Government planned to introduce in April 2011 (which the CIPD estimates would have cost 75,000 jobs by 2015-16) but which was wisely abandoned by the coalition.”

Adding these separate estimates together shows that the overall toll of job losses (1.6 million) set to result from the coalition government’s austerity measures falls more heavily on the private sector (0.9 million) than on the public sector (0.7 million). Indeed, the estimated hit on private sector jobs due to the fiscal austerity is almost identical to the net fall in private sector employment during the recession between spring 2008 and winter 2009.

Dr Philpott comments further: “On these estimates 1.6 million lost jobs looks to be the total employment cost of the coalition government’s fiscal austerity measures. The test of the coalition’s overall strategy for balancing the public finances and restoring sustainable economic growth will be how quickly and by how much job loss on this scale is offset by net new job creation in the private sector as a whole. The CIPD considers the private sector perfectly capable of adding more than 300,000 net new jobs per year by 2015-16 if the economy grows faster than 2.5% per year on average.But given the headwinds facing both the global and UK economy this looks like a tall order, especially prior to 2013, and consequently unemployment is likely to rise throughout 2011 and much of 2012. If the coalition government completes its planned fiscal consolidation with unemployment no higher in 2015-16 than it is today it will have made a significant achievement. But the question ‘where will the new jobs come from?’ is bound to be asked for quite some time yet.”

The IoD responded with this on November 2:

CIPD gloom and doom is wrong, says IoD

Responding to the CIPD’s claim of 1.6 million job losses on the horizon, Graeme Leach, Chief Economist and Director of Policy at the Institute of Directors, said: “The CIPD’s gloom and doom about the Spending Review ignores key facts. Taking ‘soundings from public sector managers’ is not a substitute for economic research.

“The Lamont-Clarke fiscal squeeze in the 1990s resulted in 600,000 public sector job losses but this did not prevent the longest expansion on record from becoming established. The Brown spending squeeze at the end of the 1990s coincided with one of the fastest periods of GDP growth in the last 20 years. The spending squeeze under the first 2 years of the Coalition is actually less than under the first 2 years of New Labour! The CIPD’s analysis is alarmist and risks talking ourselves into a double-dip recession.

He added: “The UK economy faces a difficult period over the coming years, but if the Government holds firm with the implementation of the Spending Review long term growth and employment prospects will be significantly improved. However, if the Coalition wobbles and the Spending Review begins to unravel, long term economic prospects will be very poor.

“This is why it is so dangerous for the CIPD to make headline grabbing forecasts which are based on little more than a guess. Nobody can be sure what the future holds, but recent economic history suggests projections of 1.6 million job losses are hopelessly inaccurate. We should remember that the private sector was able to create 300,000 jobs in the latest quarter alone.”

IoD members strongly support immediate public spending cut, and took this view before the general election.

In a survey of 1,500 IoD members (conducted from 26 February until 4 March 2010):

·       86 per cent said that current levels of public sector spending need to be reduced.
·       72 per cent said that significant cuts should start in 2010.
·       71 per cent said that addressing the deficit was the top priority of the new Government in its first 100 days.

In a survey of 640 IoD members conducted immediately after the June emergency budget, which set the Government’s overall deficit reduction strategy:

·       83% felt that the emergency Budget would have a positive impact on the UK economy

And by 3pm on November 2, the CIPD were back with this:

CIPD responds to IoD criticism of labour market predictions

In response to the Institute of Director’s (IoD) criticism of the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development’s (CIPD) prediction that cuts in public spending and the rise in the standard rate of VAT to 20% will result in the loss of almost 1.6 million jobs across the UK economy by 2015-16, Dr John Philpott, Chief Economic Adviser says: “Our labour market predictions are based on analysis of the experiences and detailed predictions of our 135,000 members, drawn in particular from our respected Labour Market Outlook quarterly survey, extensive analysis of published data, and a good measure of experience. The IoD appear to be relying instead on a hope that the past, when economic circumstances were very different, may repeat itself in the future.

“We can all agree that we hope job creation will outstrip job losses in the coming years. But hope is not sufficient if it is your P45 or your unsuccessful job search we are talking about. Our analysis of real world data from organisations operating across the private and public sectors is intended to give policymakers a fighting chance of preparing the policy responses necessary to maximise growth and minimise the impact of rising unemployment on individuals and communities. The IoD are entitled to disagree and correct to conclude that no-one knows for sure what the future holds. But it is in the interests of employers and jobseekers alike that we all work together, taking care to ensure our opinions do not get in the way of our collective efforts to assist policymakers in making the right decisions.”

At least we know the press officers are being kept busy – ed.

The end of summer holidays, the long run in to Christmas and the brief respite from financial worries following pay day all go towards making Wednesday October 6, 2010 the day when workers are least likely to be distracted from their jobs and get things done.

Peter Mooney, head of consultancy at employment law experts ELAS, said: “Our research shows that there’s a gap between the summer holidays ending in September and the long run in to Christmas starting in late October when staff are far less likely to either ring in sick or be distracted at their desk.

“During that gap – which we think lasts just over a month before the October half term – the first Wednesday after pay day is the most productive because people aren’t worrying about money, recovering from one weekend or planning for the next.

“While we wouldn’t suggest bosses try to take advantage by piling on the work, we do think they can expect to see more work out of their staff today than any other day of the year.”

ELAS, which provides compliance advice to several thousand small and medium-sized firms across the UK, began looking for the productivity “sweet spot” after noticing a lull in calls to its employment law helpline between mid-September and the last week in October, especially relating to dealing with absenteeism.

It then compared this lull with figures for calls relating to poor performance – often related to staff time-wasting at their desks – and saw the same pattern in autumn.

Mr Mooney explained: “For both problems, only the month before October half term seemed to be quiet, with staff across the board genuinely working hard.”

After supplementing the analysis of their call patterns by interviewing a range of clients in more detail, ELAS developed a list of factors which they believe routinely affect productivity.

These include:

• Excessive absenteeism during January – March
• Isolated peaks in absenteeism around major sporting events – usually during late spring/early summer
• Poor productivity in early summer as staff plan and arrange their holidays
• School holidays – when other staff have to juggle both their own work and that of colleagues
• Poor productivity in the run up to Christmas as staff plan and buy Christmas presents online, and plan and recover from Christmas parties, etc.

“When we really started to drill down, we realised that people got less productive as the month went on, presumably as they start worrying about making ends meet in the run up to pay day,” Mr Mooney added.

“It goes without saying that Mondays and Fridays are never going to be people’s favourites and, in the end, all the evidence pointed towards the first Wednesday in October as the best in the year for getting things done.”

Bosses can still expect to get a fair day’s graft from staff for most of this month as staff either continue to pay off their summer holidays or start saving up for Christmas.

But as of the last week in October, work begins to play second fiddle to Christmas shopping and preparations for the party season, ELAS said.

Based on this research, ELAS is advising its clients they have two options: either to capitalise on the fact that staff are working harder because they have suffered in silence during Sickie Season; or to go easy on staff now but take steps to clamp down on other predictable trends in productivity.

“The worst thing any employer can do is to be inconsistent,” said Mr Mooney. “If you take advantage of staff being at their best, then you will damage morale very quickly by cracking down on them when they take the foot off the gas around Christmas.

“It may seem more difficult at first, but it is far safer legally to set a fair standard at the outset and apply that consistently throughout the year.”

As well as offering employment law advice, ELAS also provides intelligent software solutions such as EmployerSafe, which can help employers identify sickies from real illness, then guide them through addressing problems safely and fairly.

To celebrate all things strange and surreal about office jargon, as we ‘move forward’ into 2010, Office Angels, the UK’s leading secretarial and recruitment consultancy has sifted through the archives and compiled their top ten most ridiculous and witty office phrases that have graced the workplace through the noughties, as well as adding some new phrases for 2009.

The Office Angels definitive guide to a decade of office jargon:

1. ‘We need the right pin numbers’ (we need it to work)
2. ‘A lighthouse on a cloudy night’ (coming up with a good/bright idea)
3. ‘I’m coming into this with an open kimono’ (throwing an idea out into the open but being open to criticism)
4. ‘Let’s touch base about this offline’ (lets meet up face-to-face)
5. ‘Finger in the air figure’ (just an estimate)
6. ‘I think someone needs a bite of the reality sandwich’ (someone needs to think a bit more practically)
7. ‘Let’s run that idea up the flagpole and see if it flies’ (simply trying out an idea)
8. ‘Let’s not try to build a chestnut fence to keep the sand-dunes in’ (face a problem head on, rather than battling it unsuccessfully)
9. ‘Get all our ducks in a row’ (get everything in order)
10. ‘Expecting the moon on a stick’ (when clients have ridiculous expectations)

Although they haven’t quite made the cut, we can’t forget the more topical of phrases that have found their way into our office lingo; the dreaded CCs (credit crunch and current climate) as well as the now well acclaimed ‘credit munch’ – it’s time to wave goodbye to your favourite deli sarnie and say hello to the old fashioned packed lunch!

Commenting on the jargon we’ve been using through the noughties, David Clubb, Managing Director of Office Angels said, “Trying to talk the talk and drop in the ‘it’ office phrases isn’t particularly productive and doesn’t make you seem more professional. Whilst this jargon is amusing, my advice would be that nothing beats plain talking. If you communicate clearly then you and your team can work more effectively.”